-Jim Morrison

Tonight I went to put some pictures I just got developed into a drawer I have set aside for pictures only. I couldn’t resist going through them. Most of them being taken in my Sophmore and Junior years of high school. As I flipped through I grew a bit sad, I guess. At first I thought it was because I missed the people, but now I don’t think so. A few people yes I do miss, and it’s sad to see that those people who meant so much to me then aren’t even in my life right now. Although, this isn’t what really got to me.

It hit me as I saw some pictures of me on my 16th (I think) birthday. When you are 16 you are definetly not an adult, you are still a kid. You live at home, you don’t pay bills, you probably don’t have a job, you go to school, you are just expected to be a kid. Then, I came across some pictures of me at after graduation. Although you are supposed to be going out into the “real world” you really aren’t an adult. No one sees you as an adult yet, although you aren’t young enough to be a child. You are supposed to have a ob, pay bills, either go to college or live at home, and grow up....

But now I’m 20, and I don’t know who I am. I know I’m not a child, and I definetly know I’m not an adult. But at 20 I really shouldn’t be living at home, I really should have a job, I really should be paying bills, hell I should even be going to college. But most importantly I should of grown up by now. I’m not sure when this was supposed to happen and how I was supposed to do it. I think I missed it. I was treated as a child until the day the high school kicked me out. And on that day, I think I was supposed to have some sort of epiphany and be responsible. But, it didn’t happen. I thought nothing of my future, nothing of growing up, and nothing about what was going on. My mind was on the car I hit earlier that day, and the teacher who told me I had to wipe the X’s off of my hands or I couldn’t attend my graduation. Did everyone else get it? Did they go out that summer and get full time jobs, find some room mates and an appartment? Did they suddenly feel the child released from them as they threw their hats up into the air? When was I supposed to get this feeling?

I miss being a child, because I knew who I was.
I want to be an adult, because I’ll know who I am.

I think I needed the "Tests, deaths, feats, rites, stories, songs & judgements," to fully understand growing. There are few things in this society that work in this respect. At 16 you get your license; at 18 you graduate; at 21 you can go to bars.

It hasn’t worked like that for me. At 18 I got my lisence and graduated. And at 21 I will NOT go to any bars, EVER. What rites of passage are there for me? What is it that will make me realize, with complete certainty, that I am an adult?

....Ah, hell if I know. I’ll keep you posted.

-Mike

4/02/99