Tonight I went to put some pictures I just got developed into a drawer I have set aside for pictures only. I couldnít resist going through them. Most of them being taken in my Sophmore and Junior years of high school. As I flipped through I grew a bit sad, I guess. At first I thought it was because I missed the people, but now I donít think so. A few people yes I do miss, and itís sad to see that those people who meant so much to me then arenít even in my life right now. Although, this isnít what really got to me.
It hit me as I saw some pictures of me on my 16th (I think) birthday. When you are 16 you are definetly not an adult, you are still a kid. You live at home, you donít pay bills, you probably donít have a job, you go to school, you are just expected to be a kid. Then, I came across some pictures of me at after graduation. Although you are supposed to be going out into the ďreal worldĒ you really arenít an adult. No one sees you as an adult yet, although you arenít young enough to be a child. You are supposed to have a ob, pay bills, either go to college or live at home, and grow up....
But now Iím 20, and I donít know who I am. I know Iím not a child, and I definetly know Iím not an adult. But at 20 I really shouldnít be living at home, I really should have a job, I really should be paying bills, hell I should even be going to college. But most importantly I should of grown up by now. Iím not sure when this was supposed to happen and how I was supposed to do it. I think I missed it. I was treated as a child until the day the high school kicked me out. And on that day, I think I was supposed to have some sort of epiphany and be responsible. But, it didnít happen. I thought nothing of my future, nothing of growing up, and nothing about what was going on. My mind was on the car I hit earlier that day, and the teacher who told me I had to wipe the Xís off of my hands or I couldnít attend my graduation. Did everyone else get it? Did they go out that summer and get full time jobs, find some room mates and an appartment? Did they suddenly feel the child released from them as they threw their hats up into the air? When was I supposed to get this feeling?
I miss being a child, because I knew who I was.
I want to be an adult, because Iíll know who I am.
I think I needed the "Tests, deaths, feats, rites, stories, songs & judgements," to fully understand growing. There are few things in this society that work in this respect. At 16 you get your license; at 18 you graduate; at 21 you can go to bars.
It hasnít worked like that for me. At 18 I got my lisence and graduated. And at 21 I will NOT go to any bars, EVER. What rites of passage are there for me? What is it that will make me realize, with complete certainty, that I am an adult?
....Ah, hell if I know. Iíll keep you posted.